As I’m nearing the end of my freshman year of college, I’ve done some reflecting. For the last nine months, I’ve been living on my own in a different state. I’ve mastered the art of District Market meals. I’ve taken a class on public speaking. I’ve experienced the horrors of 6:00 AM course registration and the thrill of jumping in the Cut for the first time. But the greatest lesson I’ve learned while at college is about friendships.
Growing up, making friends was fairly easy for me. In elementary and middle school, my friends were based on who I had classes with. In high school, there were 183 people in my entire grade, so pretty much everyone knew each other. I made my closest friends through the song team and just being Filipino. By the second semester of senior year, I was part of a nearly 40-person friend group.
However, since starting college, I haven’t kept in touch with as many of my hometown friends as I expected to. We’ve only talked to wish each other a ‘Happy Birthday’ or reply to funny private stories. I can blame it on time differences and my terrible texting habits, but the reality is that some of us were just school friends. It was going to take more effort than it had before to maintain these friendships and for the most part, we haven’t been putting that in.
Making friends in college has also been completely different for me. During the first month, I probably met more people than I had in my entire life. I was forced out of my comfort zone to initiate conversation and hang out with complete strangers. I’d heard plenty of times before that the friends you make your first week aren’t going to last and unfortunately, it turned out to be true for me. I was only friends with those people for that month, that week, or even just that night. I was honestly alone most of fall quarter. I spent class and meals with people, but I felt like I wasn’t making any strong connections. It was surface level and out of convenience: a shared class, a close dorm, a similar eating schedule. I didn’t have a close friend group or someone that I did everything with. I wondered why I couldn’t find that connection I saw everyone else having.
It wasn’t until the end of winter quarter when I became close with my now closest friends, that I realized what I had wrong before. How could I expect to find close connections with others when I wasn’t being open myself? I needed to be more willing to let others in and let them truly get to know me. When I was able to open up, that’s when they could too and our bond became more than surface level. But our friendship grew deeper because we also put in that necessary effort. We are constantly texting, hanging out, and genuinely getting to know one another. Through them, I’ve learned the ups and downs of making friends in young adulthood. I feel that I’ve found that connection I was once longing for.
I’ve come to understand that true friendships take effort, time, and vulnerability.
What taught me the most about friendships though, was having a falling out with a close friend. I never thought we would ever not be friends. I imagined myself as a bridesmaid in her future wedding and she as ‘auntie’ to my future kids. So I was desperate to do anything I could to repair our friendship and clear up the misunderstanding. However, my feelings weren’t reciprocated. It became apparent to me that our friendship would never be the same if it were even going to still be a friendship. I called my mom to vent and she reminded me that, “Not all friendships are forever.”
My mom’s right. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t put effort into our friendships or that we should expect none of them to last. However, if they do end, we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves and the other person. It happens. Some friends are only there for a season. People grow and sometimes, we grow apart. Friends move away and sometimes, we lose touch. I’m not still friends with every single friend I’ve ever made. Losing friends is part of life.
Still, it’s taken me some time to accept that I likely won’t be in that person’s future wedding. And that when I go back home for the summer, I won’t be hanging out with all of my friends from high school. It’s difficult to stop being friends with someone; change is scary. But sometimes it’s necessary, sometimes that friend is what’s holding us back from meeting other people or trying new things.
In accepting the loss, it’s also important to grieve it. It’s like a breakup, a friendship breakup. We should let a friendship end if it becomes hurtful or nearly non-existent. And afterward, we should let ourselves feel all the feelings. Be mad at the situation. Cry that it’s over. Talk about it a million times. But also remember the fond memories we made with them; don’t let the bad overshadow the good.
My parents are big believers that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and I’ve carried that sentiment with me. I think a friendship that ends is never a waste of time, it wasn’t for nothing. Sometimes, a friendship’s ultimate role is to teach us a lesson. Friends help shape us into who we are. My best friend in elementary school taught me swear words; we lost touch when she moved away after fifth grade. I got much of my music taste from my middle school friend group that broke up during the COVID-19 lockdown. My sophomore-year best friend helped me take pride in my interests and hobbies, though I ended our friendship over a disagreement. I learned to give myself grace thanks to the girl I sat with every day in COM 200, but haven’t seen since.
And from my most recent friendship breakup, I learned— with help from my mom— that not all friendships are forever and that’s OK.