Getting my heart broken four times in my senior year of high school was an exhausting journey. When I realized that my friendship with these people was severed beyond repair, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I cried for an hour, called my best friend, and sought comfort in the familiarity of romance movies. When the numbness subsided, a deep hurt took over. My mind skimmed over every moment we spent as friends within the past few weeks, months, and eventually, the entirety of our friendship. Our shared laughter, easy smiles, and warm memories were corroded with the knowledge that it was all fake. All of it was a ruse to keep the peace while I believed that they valued me as much as I valued them. It felt like I was a clown who everyone had been mocking while I was none the wiser of the makeup on my face or the oversize shoes shoved onto my feet. It wasn’t until a day of forced reflection that involved purchasing a new sweater, getting a haircut, and spending time with family that I came to an epiphany.
I no longer wished to be miserable. I wanted to move on and truly get over my heartbreak.
1. Don’t Be Too Proud to Cry
My first heartbreak was with my friend Eileen. In the beginning, I shed a lot of tears because she was someone I could rely on to laugh with, find solidarity in, and look to for a different perspective. As time passed and new things came to the center stage of my life, I learned to take whatever Eileen said with a grain of salt. Our bond, built up over years of vulnerability, patience, and appreciation, had crumbled long ago into bits of dust.
At my lowest, Eileen made it clear that she despised me, weaponized my deepest vulnerabilities against me, and did not want to be associated with me. When she came back into my life hoping to reconcile, her words felt hollow and meaningless. The emotion on Eileen’s face was there, but I no longer knew her. As I sat with her and she spoke about her regret and perspective, I realized it was probably for the best.
All I needed to get over this heartbreak was to admit that Eileen no longer valued me. No amount of hurt or wishing was going to change that.
When you feel nothing but hurt for the majority of your heartbreak, allow yourself to feel, be ugly, and act imperfectly. You will probably want to sob uncontrollably many times during your heartbreak. Let it happen! The longer you push down or bottle up your emotions, the more they manifest into something ugly.
You will likely run into the person who broke your heart, and you will be embarrassed by the fact that you have not healed, by the clothes you are wearing, and by the fact that you weren’t the one who walked away. But it will end. When enough of your tears have fallen, you will feel more ready than ever to find other people, and better prepared for whatever life throws your way.
2. Journal, Journal, and Journal
My second heartbreak was with my friend Angie. Like my heartbreak with Eileen, I was distraught, and eventually, that distress morphed into anger. While I never considered Angie to be the closest to me, I found comfort in her company, her humor, and her eagerness for almost anything. When the days rolled by, I found myself reflecting on my friendship with her. Our connection wasn’t serving me.
When I stopped placing all the blame on myself, I realized it was time to move on. Angie used to be second to family for several years, but those years ended. She didn’t hold me in the same regard I held her. By the time I stopped mentally berating myself for this particular heartbreak, I concluded that I was being too harsh on myself.
My advice is to document your experience. Thanks to my rambled journaling and silent reflections, I found peace at a time when I felt hopeless. Journaling is not for everyone, and that’s okay! For me, I discovered a lot about my thoughts and emotions by jotting down what I was thinking, what happened to me that day, or a memory resurfacing. When you allow yourself to become observant instead of critical of your anger, you are one step closer to healing.
3. Be angry, but productive
My third heartbreak was with my friend Jolie. Jolie used to be my closest friend for years. We confided secrets in each other that we couldn’t share with anyone else, created ridiculous inside jokes, and naively promised to be in each other’s lives until our older years. When our friendship ended, I denied it, and when I had to face the truth, I was overcome with sorrow and fury.
I’m a firm believer that everyone is allowed to feel angry or display their emotions. It’s only natural. But it’s also important not to be destructive. You don’t need to prove your worth, your value, or your truth to anyone. In most cases, trying to weaponize your anger bites back at you.
Instead, acknowledge it, discover why you are angry, and find a way to feel soothed. Your feelings may feel ridiculous, but you are experiencing them for a reason. Don’t discredit that. Don’t let this horrible moment derail your life. Work on your goals, pay more attention to something you’ve put off, and refocus your energy on what can heal and not continue to chip away at you. It’s incredibly hard, but by forcing yourself to do even small tasks, you are moving forward.
4. Get out of your Environment
My fourth heartbreak was with my former self. This was the longest and toughest heartbreak to come to terms with. For years, I’d spent my life hiding past versions of myself in shame and embarrassment.
This experience, as dramatic as it feels now, was monumental in shaping how I see the world, relationships, and trust. Gone is the girl who gave her heart away too easily, laughed too loudly, and had dreams too great for her mind to contain. Younger Jennifer wasn’t perfect; she was awkward, watched too many movies, and never knew how to advocate for herself. A bit annoying, but I love her because she loves everything. She is who I used to be and, at times, wish to return to.
The truth is that returning is impossible and pointless. Other versions of myself have spilled over into the person I am today and will continue to be forever. Younger me did not deserve cruelty. She did not deserve the belittling, dismissal, or to lose what felt like everything in one night. Maybe the younger version of myself could not love herself, but as a slightly older and more experienced person, I love her with my whole soul. It breaks my heart that she felt so alone.
Staying in what you consider familiar or normal can be a safe haven, but it can also serve as a reminder of your heartache. To avoid feeling overwhelmed in a space, you will probably have to return, go out, and find somewhere you can enjoy for yourself.
By forcing myself to tag along on family outings, spending time with my best friend, and trying new things, I felt motivated to be better, happier, and more attentive. Obviously, don’t push yourself into something that makes you uncomfortable, but try that new café you’ve been eyeing, listen to the online forums you read, or do something that surprises you! Whether you sit in bed or in that quiet cafe, your heart will need time to mend itself. Better to be heartbroken with coffee than heartbroken with TikTok.
Grief is a very real experience, and I can guarantee it visits for all kinds of occasions. These tips will vary for everyone, but they guided me in realizing that, as awful as I felt, it was a process that wouldn’t last forever. Other people move on, but good news is, that means you will, too!