Like many young adults, I thought I had hit the jackpot at nineteen. He was older and taller, and he knew how to keep a smile on my face. For the first time in my teenage love life, I felt truly equal, and as I transitioned into adult dating, I saw a real future with this guy – maybe not a white picket fence, but definitely some fun college years together. I finally started to grasp what “dating your best friend” meant.
You can imagine my shock when, after only three months, he wanted to call it quits. He had his reasons and I had mine. There were no slamming doors or standing out in the rain – no melodrama like I had anticipated. Just a simple “I wish you the best,” and apologies for not being able to be what I wanted. I didn’t cry or sh*t talk him to friends, there was no point when someone so great leaves so kindly. I was sad for a day or two – maybe even a week – before opting to take advantage of my perfect, single summer.
Until, of course, I called and he answered. Then we talked, and talked, and talked about everything but the breakup and what we were. We knew what we were – we were back together!
Sure enough, after barely a month apart, we got back together stronger than ever. I entered my twenties with him and helped him prepare for senior year – assuming I had a place in his post-grad plans.
Now, we were clearly not without issues, but we were happy. I was happy. Happy for about ten months before dissatisfaction started to roll in. Once again, there was no melodrama or tossed blame. I had my reasons and he had his – honestly, we both fought to prevent ANOTHER breakup. Ultimately, it just wasn’t going to work.
So we broke up. Again.
This time was rough. But, now that we’ve broken up twice – where do I go from here?
Call it delusion or hopefulness, but it would be easy to fall back into the cycle. I’ll be honest, I considered it because I had gotten comfortable. Sure, maybe I saw him once every other week, and maybe he was friends with his ex, but he was a really great guy! Just ignore all of the incompatibilities!
After about a month, I started to really move on. The idea of seeing him in public no longer made me want to hurl, and I started to find other guys attractive again – I just never bothered to date them. Hey, I said I started to move on! After almost a year together, I struggled to find any guys worthwhile without comparing them to him – for better or worse. The smartest, sweetest, and most attractive men fell through the cracks because they were too much like him, or weren’t enough like him. I rejected guy after guy for another month before finally asking myself, “What am I doing?”
I always figured I had enough dignity and self-respect to never fall for the trap of an on-again-off-again relationship – until I did. Now I was faced with the trap of being hung up over a guy who I’d never give the time of day to. I had one foot stuck in the expectations I’ve always held myself to, and the other stuck in the idea of him as a fixer-upper. It was embarrassing, it IS embarrassing! I suddenly woke up to the realization of who and what I am – twenty years old, smart, hot, and worth so much more than a “third time’s the charm” relationship.
I’ll be honest, I still don’t know where to go from here. All I know is that I will not be going back into his arms. Great men can be hard to come by, sure, but they’re not worth waiting around for either. I want to spend the rest of my college years – and the rest of my twenties, if I can help it – indulging in my goals, my wants, and the whims of my friends. I refuse to let my heart be broken by the same hands twice – er, thrice.