TW: Mentions of assault and abuse
If you have been on TikTok recently, you may have heard about Kayla Malecc and her story. Kayla is a brave influencer on TikTok who came out a couple weeks ago about the domestic violence she experienced over the last year. Her abuser, Evan Johnson, is now serving a year and a half sentence.
Kayla’s story hit hard for so many women, including me. I was sexually assaulted in 2021 and sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused for a year. While it’s taken me a few years to feel ready to come out with this publicly, I’ve finally reached a point where I’m ready. Here are the 10 lessons I’ve learned from being sexually assaulted.
- Know warning signs BEFORE any relationship
It is so much easier now to be able to find thousands of videos on social media that talk about red flags and hear women’s abuse stories. However, three years ago there wasn’t as much out there. The world had just been shut down by a pandemic, so these kinds of videos weren’t being made as much. More than 1 in 6 people started therapy in 2020, so there were a lot less people who had been to therapy and started learning about the ways abusers manipulate people (Forbes.com). Now, post pandemic, it feels like almost everyone is in therapy and have gained more insight and knowledge in terms of behaviors.
I was 15 when I first met him. I was learning online at the time because I had been homeschooled previously but wanted to try something different for my first two years of highschool. We met in an online debate club and were put into breakout rooms together to talk about our first speech. He seemed nice and caring in the beginning. From then onwards, he would try to make me laugh during class and pay attention to only what I was saying. For someone who hadn’t had a lot of experience with people, I felt special and seen. I was completely oblivious that this was the start of manipulating and grooming me.
We continued to have other classes with each other since we both took classes from the same teacher. Until one day, he submitted his assignment on the discussion board to receive feedback. At the time, I felt like we were sort of friends, so I left a comment on his page which led to us exchanging phone numbers. During this time I was also grappling with chronic illness and felt very isolated because many people didn’t understand what I was going through. He had told me about his own health problems and it made me feel more normal.
Within two months of knowing me through texting, he was already telling me he loved me. Looking back, it’s painfully obvious how this was love bombing, but at the time it didn’t feel like that. Love bombing is a manipulation tactic used to groom people into being controlled. Taking things slow and having that boundary is the best way to go.
- Know your worth and boundaries before any relationship
It is so important to know who you are and know how you deserve to be treated before entering any relationship. You have to be confident and sure of yourself otherwise you will get into predicaments where you compromise yourself for another person. I was extremely vulnerable at the time and didn’t have much self confidence. My validation came from other peoples’ thoughts and opinions about me. Once he had made me believe he was a safe person who cared about me, he then worked to tear me down and wreck my self image. I was told I wasn’t enough, called derogatory names and told I’d never amount to anything. I wish I could go back in time and have someone tell me that a person who loves me would never say those things about me.
- Prioritize friends and family
Unfortunately, many abusers infiltrate families and begin to isolate their victim from friends and loved ones. This can look like pitting family members against each other, getting involved in arguments and painting family members in a bad light. My abuser got in the middle of my mom and I especially, but also with my younger sister. At this point, he had made me believe that I couldn’t live without him and I needed him to survive. I was willing to let him damage my relationship with my family because “he knew best”. That’s why it is crucial to have friends and family who can listen to your relationship struggles and point out red flags you may be missing.
- Be selective about who you choose to hang out with.
This can be said for romantic relationships but also applicable to any kind of relationship. At times in our life where we may feel especially lonely, we may feel desperate for any sort of connection and feel like we need to settle. I can promise you, 100% of the time it will backfire. Accepting the mindset that it’s better to be alone than surrounded by people who want to see you fail will be instrumental in life. Ignoring red flags, staying with people because “they’re all you have” and tolerating abuse and bullying will only lead to pain and suffering. Surround yourself with people who not only build you up but also build themselves up, not in a cocky way but in the self confidence way. Ultimately, you are who you surround yourself with, so be around good people.
- Know when to leave
The second you start facing mistreatment and abuse, it’s time to leave. It doesn’t matter if this person is “great 80% of the time” you don’t need that in your life. In abusive situations, it’s a “give a mouse a cookie” experience. If you put up with small things at first, they will continue to push your boundaries and force larger things on you. In my situation, at the beginning I was called derogatory names and my trauma was weaponized against me, towards the end I was sexually assaulted and verbally, emotionally and physically abused. Because I had brushed “smaller” things off in the beginning, he was able to get me to come visit him where he lived and then was able to continue his plan all along.
- Find support
It doesn’t matter what you’re going through, big or small, we all need support. Support is especially needed when going through sexual assault or domestic violence. Several months after my assault, I attempted to call the police to report my case. I was transferred at least 5 times, hung up on once and was screamed at and told I was lying because I hadn’t come out sooner. Unfortunately, the police are not always the answer to this. However, supportive people who happen to be mandated reporters can sometimes help. My therapist was able to report my abuser to CPS since we were both minors at the time. At some point of time, he was notified that there was a significant report against him and this report will be viewable to the police if he commits a similar crime in the future.
- Understand that leaving will likely be a dangerous time
For me, we lived on different sides of the country and so I was mostly protected from any retaliation. Unfortunately, that didn’t include cyber stalking and bullying. Shortly after I went no contact with my abuser and his family, his brother and friends decided to send me death threats and spam me with text messages calling me “mentally unstable” and a liar. My abuser then wrote a diss track about me and posted it on the internet for a whopping 400 views. While it is scary and dangerous to leave, you can get through it. Lean on supportive friends and family and continue living your life the best you can.
- Understand and work through shame
It is extremely common for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence to blame themselves and feel shameful of their experience. Society tends to blame victims instead of placing the blame on the people who really deserve it, the perpetrators. This, combined with likely retaliation from the perpetrator can build upon the shame already felt from the experience. While the work to combat shame is painful and difficult, it is worth it to continue the healing journey.
- Accept that you won’t be able to save others from becoming victimized
When I first went through my recovery process, I thought it was my responsibility to warn people he knew of his behavior and actions. However, you can’t warn everyone and not everyone will be receptive to hearing the truth for whatever reason. Tracking people down and putting all this pressure on yourself will only hurt you.
- People who commit these crimes will not change
Not only does this apply to when you’re first starting to see warning signs, it also applies to what the perpetrator will do in the future. When you start to sense things are off or start to endure abuse, leave. It won’t get better, it will only get worse. No matter how many times they apologize or say they won’t do it again, they’re lying. It’s harsh but it’s the truth. The sad reality is that many women don’t ever make it out, so get out while you can.
Even three years later, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m likely to still be watched on the internet. So, to my abuser when he sees this: You didn’t win. You didn’t break me. I have so many people who love and care about me and who lift me up instead of tearing me down. Today, I am the girl you will never have and if I saw you for the first time today, I wouldn’t give you a second look. You are nothing. People believe me, and see you for the monster you are without ever knowing you. I may have disappeared for a while, but I’m back. You can no longer silence me and I’m not scared of you. You should be scared of me.
To the survivors reading this, You’re going to be ok. It might take a couple years, but you will make it and I promise your life still has meaning. Life will get better. When you’re ready, share your story. It’s the last step in shredding the shame and power your abuser has over you. Three months after I went no contact with my abuser, I shared my story in my public speaking class at Running Start. I was shocked when everyone in the class believed and supported me and wanted the best for me. At the end of the quarter, we all had to reflect on whose speech affected us most in a positive way. Almost everyone said my story was the most impactful. The best revenge is living your best life and enjoying freedom. Don’t let your abuser win, they’ve already taken enough.